I have tried so hard to substitute my uncontrollable pain for one that I could control. This is why I have pushed myself beyond any limitations I ever knew.
Those that have known me a long time will find what I’m about to write a little curious.
I say this because it’s an understanding I have only acquired within myself today whilst running a very long way in soft sand.
I have spent my life cowering as an addict.
Although I have not taken to a substance as part of my addiction, and I have very little understanding of what it is like to be addicted to a drug or alcohol, I have realised that every decision I have ever made in my life has been to lessen the pain.
This is why I have done the things I have done and endured pains beyond my deepest imaginings – because the pains I have chosen to embrace, regardless of how fierce, have always been within MY control.
My addiction has always driven me to side step the pain I have carried within me, to avoid looking at it and accordingly I found harder, faster and more creative ways of avoidance.
The thing is, THIS is the true nature of addiction as far as my understanding permits me:
We all have some horrible pain inside of ourselves, and instead of facing it and laying it to rest, we expend phenomenal amounts of energy hiding from it, masking it, pretending we’re alright so that others don’t see it but more importantly, so that we can lie to ourselves about it not being there.
Avoidance is the ultimate denial.
I find it absolutely amazing just how much effort we can put into avoiding the things that we don’t want in life, and creating a world for ourselves where we are existing in half lived lives. If we took a moment to reassess how we approach things, allowed ourselves to become brave and faced off against our fears we could put that same effort into the things we do want and create a truly beautiful life.
As far as cowering from my pain, well, I’m done with that. I have decided to love my pain, because it is a part of me.
I now understand that it is not there to fuck my life up, but rather to teach me something.
Imagine how far I could have walked by now if I hadn’t been expending all of that energy ducking, weaving and hiding from that lesson for fear of the pain it came wrapped in?
I will still push myself hard when I train, and I’ll still more than likely climb beyond my abilities, swim oceans, run deserts and live boldly, but it will be because I have chosen it, rather than because I’m trying to use one pain to hide from another that is buried within me.